A foolish consistency may well be, as Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote, the hobgoblin of small minds, but a considered consistency is something that might do this gal some good. There is a certain measure of difficulty to be found in the day to day and by certain measure I mean how much water cascades down Niagara Falls?

Don’t bother looking up ‘hobgoblin’. I did and the dictionary said, ‘a bugaboo’. A fucking bugaboo. What the…

I would have an easier time being consistent, I think, if I didn’t have a blind cat screaming at me all day and night. As just one example off the top of my head. She screams about what she wants. She screams about what she doesn’t want. She screams about who is on her pillow. But most of all, she screams like she’s expressing herself, like she’s telling everyone her troubles. I feel for her. But at the same time, it’s really nerve wracking. She’s got a hell of a set of lungs for such a little cat.

It is not really her fault that I am inconsistent, of course. It just seemed like a good segue because she was screaming and I was writing and it does drive me fairly insane(r).

So this is one of the things I will try to work on, if I can remember it. Just being honest. I have a weird tendency to completely space on things that are important to me. It’s probably rooted in trauma, like everything else inconvenient. But whatever. Anyway. This I shall endeavor to do. To be a bit more consistent in life, so that maybe life will be a little more consistent in exchange.

Now that I’ve put the double whammy hex on this idea by talking about it, we shall just see how this all pans out.

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Mercury Headache

Ever have a headache so sharp and so specific that you can only figure you got a hatchet to the head in an alternate reality and are having sympathy pains?

What a week. Did you know there is a web site called Is Mercury in Retrograde? There is. And is it? Fuck yeah, it is. But it turns direct today at 1.22pm PST, so things should start to get better, if you’re into that kinda thing. And if your communication, writing, messages, etc, has been weird or fucked up in any way, all I have to say is ooga booga. Which should be evidence in itself that communication is messed up right now because did I really just write that shit?

I better stop now and wait to post again til 4:22pm my time.

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The Awful Truth, Part Two

I didn’t talk about what I am doing to try to change things. I am definitely doing something to try to change things. It is just that it is a long-term plan, and in the short term I am floundering and failing and starting to fall into a major depressive state, which is REALLY counterproductive. So counterproductive that it could completely fuck me for good. But I need to step away from that thought.

What I am doing is, of course, what I have mentioned here recently before: learning coding. I have been on this Every. Single. Day. Without fail. I am serious AF about this. Studying hard, taking notes, and going for certifications. I want to be a full stack web developer.

That is the hope I’m hanging my hat on.

I just wish there were some way to not drown in financial stress and intense depression and untold levels of worry while I am doing this. I am afraid I’m going to end up “without a pot or a window” before I can complete this course of study, which is not exactly an easy one. It takes a lot of focus, focus which is getting fragmented. I’m fighting, though.

I am fighting as hard as I can. I just do not know if it will be enough. I guess all I can do is keep fighting, and see what happens, see what I can MAKE happen.

I hate doing this but circumstances compel me to do so, because I have a cat who will die if I don’t. Milhouse needs a $300 bottle of insulin. I can’t afford it. If you can please help, this is my paypal link: http://paypal.me/annievox  Any amount at all is helpful. Thank you.

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The Awful Truth

It’s Cyber Monday, the big online shopping day. Seems like a good reason to state unequivocally why every blog post I make is in some way about financial stress.

I am trying to survive on $9,200 a year.

I just figured I would finally be upfront about that. It works out to $750 a month. Which is not enough to live on, as you have probably surmised. Which is why I do the clip thing. But this is very problematic for many reasons, the primary being that it does not solve the problem of subsistence, as the rule is that half of anything I might earn is to be deducted from that monthly stipend. ‘Anything I might earn’ is not a static number but is usually between $200 to $400, which means it’s really between $100 to $200 for an entire month’s worth of confused and difficult activity which is frankly hell to “show up to”, as I have outlined many times in this blog.

I am not able to get a job outside of my home. I am not yet qualified to get a job inside my home that would pay enough to pay for my state-sponsored medication which costs approximately $24,000 per year. Every day is spent stuffing down panic to keep it in the background, every day is spent concurrently trying to figure out a solution and suppress the intense financial anxiety.

I have wracked my brain trying to figure out how to improve this situation. I have thought about this for YEARS. Years of constant free-floating panic. Tears of frustration and worry are flowing freely as I write this, because the pressure inside is so great that I just can’t hold them in.

I just do not know what the fuck to do.

Government agencies will not be helpful. They are the ones who have set these rules and they do not care that these rules are not livable or workable, that they completely fuck you. Lawyers could care less; there’s nothing in it for them.

It is literally too expensive for me to live. It is too expensive to me to draw breath.

I am severely mentally ill. I have four major co-morbid mental illnesses. I am supposed to be focused on getting better and maintaining mental health. Instead I have been consumed by this worry, and it leads me to very dark places.

And I have no fucking idea what to do.

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Second to the Last Thursday of the Month, Y’all

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am thankful for every person, place and thing that is not terrible. I am also thankful for gravity. I am also thankful for you, person who is following this blog and therefore my misadventures. You are appreciated, and I hope you have a lovely and pleasant day today, and that food is so abundant that you are able to eat much of it and have leftovers for later.

Also, I hope you have good coffee. I have had a coffee disappointment. Recently I had the good fortune to get a luxury item – a bag of Starbucks ground coffee from the supermarket. Breakfast Blend. It was AMAZING. So mellow, so perfectly roasted. I made iced coffee with it. It was good. Then I got tasty about it. Got another bag. BIG MISTAKE. Shit was BURNT. Totally different coffee experience. Now, my luxury is a terrible thing to taste and to waste. This is so disappointing that I even called Starbucks, who was basically like, Oh well. Because they are just so helpful like that and whatnot. BUT. Not to worry. I have a $2 box of Milk Chocolate brownie mix that can serve as my New Luxury Item. And I can eat the living hell out of those brownies, man. Oh, just you watch me.

You have to find the little luxuries. The Powers That Be think People Like Me don’t ‘deserve’ luxuries, that if you are poor you should not be able to have, say, a candy bar, or a soda, because Poor. Because somehow your decreased financial status says you have not ‘earned’ such a lofty reward. But everyone needs a little impetus to do better. And everyone needs a little pickmeup now and then, a little damn treat that, while small, makes life feel worth living. And it’s kinda cruel for someone to want to deny a poor person a freakin’ candy bar or a brownie or a soda, something usually costing less than a buck. It’s not a truckload of candy bars or brownies. Just one. (Okay, I will probably have more than ONE brownie. But it’s a point I’m making here.) The little luxuries – the tiny ones – spur you on to do better, and improve life. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs plays a part, too. Push me up that triangle, baby, I wanna do much better in life. I want to succeed and not be a drain on society.

I am trying super hard to do just that. I’m doing coding lessons every day, taking copious notes, recording my progress, staying motivated. Doing my day gig as best I can. Trying to stay sharp and ON IT with everything. Trying to stay positive. Trying to get organized.

And so I am super-thankful for the motivation to be doing those things, as well as thankful for the not-terrible aspects of people, places and things, and the aforementioned gravitational pull.

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Stresscessful

There isn’t enough time during clip rendering to do a code lesson, they go too quickly for that. But they go slowly enough for me to tweet way too many times. I have no business tweeting. I should be flogging myself while I am waiting for my clips to save because I do not have money for kitty litter and I am out of kitty litter and it is NOT good to be out of kitty litter. I have no fucking idea how to get kitty litter. This issue is my life right now. I never thought I would say that kitty litter or the lack thereof was my life, but there it is. For this moment in time, at least, the lack of kitty litter in this apartment is the axis upon which my reality spins. Or something.

That and fleas.

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