This is all my personal experience like everything else I ever post – this is a disclaimer I want to include because it would be pretty myopic of me to speak from some “galaxy mind” POV and think this is all completely universal when people are all different so I may not be the most learned as far as all the possible modalities that might work.
I just know that I’ve spent years and even decades dissecting shit that was only exorcised by actually feeling every micron – or let’s say at least the part of the wound that presents itself, because I am finding that while people are super-into talking about “The Dark Night of the Soul”, they all sound like they mean this is a one-time thing, and maybe it is for them, I don’t know.
Feels like I go through Dark Nights of the Soul more often than I do my nails.
I should probably do my nails more often.
I want to add to the healing thing that surrendering to that primal shitty feeling doesn’t mean sitting in it, and I’m not sure how to describe the distinction between surrendering to it and sitting in it… surrendering in the way I mean is really about acceptance of the fact that feeling is there and letting it run its course – that course is outward, not burrowing. The burrowing comes from fighting it on some level, like, being all ‘Fuck, this hurts’ but at the same time, there is some form of denial, however subtle, and that seems to me to result in, “Who’s your buddy, who’s your pal? THIS SAME FUCKING ISSUE, THAT’S WHO!” again and again.
I used to think the “talking cure” would wear out the welcome on that, but that isn’t shit if the talking – external or internal – isn’t accompanied by the part where you feel everything, and in fact, absent of that part, can be a fabulous way of imprinting the awfulness on your mindset so that you get cognitive distortions borne from the original issue – bastard little hydra-headed things – and then the whole thing ends up Sorcerer’s Apprentice and Brain is like, oh, fuck this immediately, and runs away from the whole inner discussion, which is now running on its own accord in a loop – then Brain will be watching this from the sidelines like a cat watches its prey, will get more and more into that predatory mode and before you know it, this hamster wheel that was unknowingly self-installed and Brain start the debate once more, cause somehow Brain wants to involve itself in this shit instead of something fun.
This is because a brain can be like J. Robert Oppenheimer in that it will chase an intellectual challenge no matter the long-term impact because the problem has been presented to it and it can’t help itself. It follows the chain, just like Oppie did. And then, just like him as well, decides that it has become Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds, and you spend the rest of your life getting dental work without anesthesia (the metaphorical equivalent) because of guilt or shame or regret or any other negative emotional, mental and/or spiritual impact of this self-flagellation.
Not that I am attempting to over-simplify nuclear warfare. Or under-simplify mental warfare, for that matter.
Not that that matter matters, because I don’t even know if this will ever be read by anyone. Or like an old friend used to say, maybe it’ll be read by the French 50 years after I’m dead.
I sound like a Sour Puss with bite, but I’m actually all big yap and Pixie Stix.
Earth-shattering information, all of it, I’m sure.