For a time now, I’ve been avoiding following my psychiatrist’s advice when it came to taking my Klonopin on a regular basis in order to deal with my massive amounts of anxiety. He’s been wanting me to take 1 mg three times a day. Usually I take .25mg as needed and it calms me down, .5 if I am really freaking out. 1 mg will knock my ass out. I haven’t been able to imagine what it would be like to take that dose three times a day. I’m assuming I’d be rendered comatose.
But since I have been in such a deep depressive funk, accompanied by this frenetic panic, I have started taking the quarter Klonopin three times a day, and I think I am ready to move up to a half. It seems to be helping. I’m still worried about becoming dependent on it, but the shrink says that if I need to go off of it, I would be tapering down and that shouldn’t be an issue. We’ll see. In the meantime, the benefits are outweighing the dangers.
This new regimen is allowing me some objective distance from my emotions. It’s not a ton of distance, but enough to get a bit more clarity. I’m starting to see what I can do to clear out some of the overwhelm that I feel. I need to add creativity and recreation to my life, instead of thinking I’ve always got to be focused on the struggle. My coding is becoming much clearer as well. I’m starting to get the hang of things I was completely clueless about. It’s cheering me up.
This is all relatively new, and by no means is it enough. I have a long way to go. I’m trying to learn how to live life again. I need to find a routine gain, and balance. Mostly, I am trying to heal a little. Or a lot, preferably, if that’s possible.
Again, we’ll see.