Category Archives: Fuck them

Hey, Andy Lassner…

…I fail to see how tweeting YET AGAIN the SAME “and that was their final command” Orwell quote does more to help anyone than retweeting the question I have about whether painting respirators could be used by the doctors currently out of N65 masks so that this idea might POSSIBLY get in front of them and either be ruled out or MAYBE even HELP THEM…

I usually don’t call people names, but you, sir, are a prick.


I Think You Just Don’t Want To Be Happy


I think that this unhappiness thing is just getting out of hand. I mean, c’mon. You’ve been skulking around here FOREVER. It’s like, SO obvious what you need to do. I think you know that. But I’m your friend. Your pal. Your buddy. So I will happily remind you. You’re doing this to yourself, you know that, right? You really just need to get out of your head and…


Yeah, she was nice and all, and like, related to you or whatever so she was around a lot, but still – never, ever, EVER think of her again. No holiday visits. No birthday presents. If you smell a cookie and it smells like hers and you involuntarily think of her cookies which automatically before you can control it leads to remembering that time you made those cookies with her? You see what you’re doing here. And you see that you’re doing it to yourself, right?

I’m telling you:


Also, don’t think about your parents. Or your siblings. Or any pet you had, or any house you lived in, or any kid you knew in school. Don’t dream about them either. Especially don’t dream about them. Because, really, if you dream about them? What good are you doing? You need to control that shit. You need to focus. Mind over matter.

Don’t think about classes you took, schools you went to, foreign lands you visited, books you’ve read, clothes you used to have, shows you used to like. In fact, you need to forget everything that ever happened to you. Seriously, man. Forget the past, will you? You’re fucking STUCK there, jeez. We ALL see it, and we really think you have issues. It’s like you WANT to have problems. Do you even WANT to be happy?

Oh, shit. Hold the phone, folks —

Sorry, but, uh… I just looked at my notes here.

Apparently, when I said “EVERYONE”, I was supposed to say “People with PTSD”, and when I said “GRANDMA”, I was supposed to say “the trauma you experienced”.

Otherwise, the advice is exactly the same, and it will work JUST AS WELL.

Whew. Fixed it.

(Hey! Thanks for checking out Armchair Therapy, where people who lack self-awareness counsel you about your own problems before tending to their own!  The moral of today’s story: Telling people with PTSD that they “seem stuck in the past” is a stellar comedy premise, truly. I mean, thinking that people can forget their entire lives by sheer power of will! COMEDY GOLD. If only Mitzi were alive for this, sniff (RIP, Babe). But hey, take part in the “Armchair Therapy Challenge” and give forgetting your life a shot! And please, write in to let us know how you do – oh, wait, you won’t be able to, because if you succeed, then you won’t remember reading this. Well, pin a note on your shirt for someone else to do it, okay? Armchair Therapy – if you don’t have an armchair, a broken futon will do!)


Shari’s Berries Nightmare

I made an order on behalf of another (as I do not have a mother) for Mother’s Day, berries in the amount of $30.12 (this amount after an hour and ten minutes on the phone with Shari’s Berries Customer Service, who had no idea what their product line contained). Was I charged $30.12? Nope. I was charged MUCH more. $65.20 for my order, and then just for shits and giggles apparently, another $102 in the form of two authorizations that took the money out of my Paypal account.

I have written endless emails, tweeted and tweeted and tweeted again, and this company DOES NOT CARE. They don’t care that they overcharged me. They ignored this. They say there are no holds on my accounts which is patently false, and want to have a 45 minute conversation (they actually said that) with my bank (which in this instance is Paypal).

The only solution – since Shari’s Berries has no moral compass – is to go through Paypal and attempt to dispute the charge and cancel the holds. Which is a very time – consuming process. Meanwhile, I was going to use that money to buy groceries. Not anymore, apparently.

I cannot recommend NOT ORDERING from this company enough. If I could make a Shari’s Berries voodoo doll and stick it full of pins (that were on fire), I totally would. Unfortunately I have no hookups with any sort of magical religious practice, so that is out of the question.

I have cried so much out of frustration that I messed up the lash extensions that my friend gave me for my birthday. I sorta feel like Shari’s should pay for those, too.

The berries did arrive, thankfully. That is the small comfort in this – at least there is one Mother’s Day that was not ruined. Nope, it’s just my soul with the stain on it. This company should really come with a trigger warning, man. Because one of my big triggers is not being heard. And they have not heard me at all. It’s like writing to a fucking Congressman.

Not that you care, Shari’s Berries, but I hate you. I hate you with the fire of a thousand suns. I hate you like nuclear war. I hate you like Oppenheimer hated himself. And I hate you for filling me full of such hate.

Shari’s Berries parent company is FTD. They also run ProFlowers, some gift basket thing, and a few other sites. Their CEO appears to be a guy named John Walden. I would love his email address. But then again, would HE even care?

That’s the frustrating thing about this. A company/corporation can just do this kind of thing with utter impunity. That is completely wrong.

There are, of course, other injustices in this world, some of which deserve attention far more than my Shari’s Berries debacle. This should not even be an issue. And yet, here it fucking is.

I hope I can get my money back. It looks like if that is even possible, it is going to take a while before I do.

If I do.