Category Archives: daily life

Fibonacci Dumbasses

There are STILL Rhodes Scholars out there asserting they will refuse a COVID-19 vaccine.

Why?

They think they will get micro-chipped, and then tracked, everywhere they go.

Let us momentarily put aside that not one of the brain trusts holding this opinion displays any quality which would make them a desirable target to track. While I’m sure that – as an example – the numerous trips the denizens of, say, Pasco County make to the local Cracker Barrel might be interesting to someone, I don’t see it as being Bill Gates. I don’t even see it as someone who would do anything more with that kind of information than jerk off to it because it’s his new weird fetish. “Oh,FUCK, the Barrel’s FULL today… the kitchen staff has gotta be in the weeds…uh.. uh… oh God…”

So I need to repeat this.

They think, thru the vaccine, they are gonna get micro-chipped, and then tracked, everywhere they go. They are outraged, terrified, trying desperately to form a non-laughable platform, but lacking the pre-requisite executive functions to pull it together cohesively (and again, non-laughably.)

Even still, they type out their angry missives, their panicked questions. their tracking fears, to their drool bucket compadres, on a cell phone.

ON A CELL PHONE.

More than likely, one that uses the Android OS, and therefore Google, which means that location tracking is really and truly the least of their privacy worries.

How loud will the bang be when that thought finally breaches the outer membrane of the Locus of Idiocy? Will it ever? If it does, will it be similar to a sonic boom, or more like the dude in Scanners?

If, right now, a microchip vaccine conspiracy is the biggest concern on a person’s mind, then “mind” is a super-charitable word to use.

Also, what a pitifully limited imagination. How do they know they aren’t ALREADY microchipped? If you could put a chip in a vaccine – a liquid – would it not stand to reason it’d fit just the same in some other deliverable liquid? Hey, maybe it could be surreptitiously PUT IN you the next time you get a lab test, maybe towards the end of a LOT of extracted blood tubes, so you’re a little dizzy and you’re not really watching because it makes you feel like you might black out.

And if they made a microchip that was so tiny it was deliverable through the eye of a syringe, yet still completely functional, that magically knew exactly where in the bloodstream to go to find its purchase (what, you think it’s gonna track YOUR movement PLUS it’s own in your bloodstream? You’re expecting a LOT out of this imaginary bullshit, you know. Winnow down a little, Christ..)…. would it not stand to reason that they could’ve already made one that was an aerosol? Or that was in food and lodged itself in your stomach lining once eaten?

IS IT POSSIBLE THAT BILL GATES HAS HAD YOU IN THE PALM OF HIS HAND ALL ALONG, AND THE VACCINE IS JUST A SHINY DISTRACTION TO KEEP YOU FROM THE REAL TRUTH?

I mean, anything you think is true, right? I AM riding the big blue doggy to the candy planet later, aren’t I?

If this issue has been weighing heavily on your mind, find comfort in asking yourself these brief questions (and honest answers, please, this is to help YOU):

  1. Why exactly would Bill Gates want to track me?
  2. Is what I just asked ridiculous?
  3. Why is it better to track me than someone who uses their time for things other than obsessing over this conspiracy? Wouldn’t a well-rounded person be more useful to a nefarious entity than a one-track internet bobble-head?
  4. Has the line between fantasy and reality always been blurred, or am I just spending too much time online?
  5. Would I trust any of the strangers online giving me this information with the keys to my home or my children?
  6. If the answer to number 5 is no, then why do I trust the nonsense they are telling me?
  7. If the answer to number 5 is yes, why was I not sterilized at birth?

i’m going to go with Woodstock now, and laugh so hard, tears will spurt from the corners of our eyes and I will accidentally fall off the top of the doghouse. Miraculously, I will be unhurt. Still, Woodstock will fly crookedly in solidarity. That bitch loves drama.

But before I go, I want to say this. You don’t need an enormous intellect. You don’t need pieces of paper from institutions that validate to prospective employers that you do, in fact, come from the correct socio-economic class to be allowed entrance beyond the most basic level of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. What you DO need: endless curiosity, an open mind, the willingness to research instead of assume, the understanding that your opinion does not make you an expert and that you do not in fact know everything, and the ability to be wrong without taking it as an attack on your ego but instead as a fantastic opportunity to learn something and become better.

It doesn’t take much more than that to develop some critical thinking skills and see when some charlatan is taking you and playing you for a big damned FOOL. Seems like about a third of the country enjoys being taken for a fool, though. Shame, that.

In 2020, a large group of Americans sincerely believe that Bill Gates wants to microchip them through a vaccine designed to stop a pandemic (which many refer to as a “plan-demic”). These same people refuse to wear masks, while their fellow Americans are dropping like flies.

They think we all give a fuck where they are and what they do. We don’t. No one wants to track the banal, boring, and bone-headed, except for KIng Banal Bonehead, who is using them a fuck of a lot more than Bill Gates ever could, even in their wildest dreams.

SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME ANDY KAUFMAN IS BEHIND ALL THIS SHIT.

Share

Pandemic Thoughts

All my life I’ve heard all sorts of people say some variation of “There’s only two types of people..” and then they go on to somehow divvy all of humanity into one of a mere two types. I had a version of it, myself: There’s two types of people: People who think there are two types of people, and people who don’t.

But damn it all, it turns out that shit is true. There truly are only two types of people, and the pandemic has made what these two types are, glaringly clear:

There are people who care about other people and the world around them. And then there are selfish, stupid* assholes.

That’s it. There are your two groups. They’re super-easy to identify. One group social distances and wears a mask. The other bellows about their civil rights or says that masks are killing people and threatens citizens arrests at town halls and arms themselves to threaten a governor, and some of the women – the ones whose hair is about three decades past due – are very vocal that YOUR GRANDMA’S LIFE, YOUR CHILD’S LIFE, YOUR SPOUSE’S LIFE, YOUR OWN LIFE is less important than their ugly-ass haircut which, face it, Karen, your hairstylist is taking your money and shaking her damn head. You can’t make soulless attractive. Nor can you do a damn thing to improve those horrific brassy-ass highlights that match your sun-damaged .001% melanin over-“tanned” skin. If anything, pandemic or not, staying INSIDE might do you some good. What are you, HUMAN BEEF JERKY?

Anyway. There are ways to keep the economy going and the country going AND still keep us safe and get this thing under control. Sadly, however, President Kill Us All and the We Own Stock in HydroxyChloroquine Gang don’t give a fuck about any of us. If you are still laboring under some piteous delusion that they’ve got your best interests at heart, that they are not lying through their teeth to you, I’m so sorry that no one ever treated you for the Traumatic Brain Injury you so obviously have at some point suffered.

I mean, my far-right-leaning, Antifa and Socialist fearing, FOX NEWS watching schizophrenic friend finally gets it. If YOU don’t? If you don’t, I’m honestly curious as to what you believe is happening here. If you believe there are so far 152K crisis actors, or if this is a “hoax”, or if “masks kill”, or one of your civil rights is somehow being violated by being asked to wear a mask in the interest of public health.

The last one is the most interesting to me. Because I really want to know, exactly WHICH civil right is it that is being violated? The right to get deathly ill by a pandemic uncontrolled by your incompetent leader? Perhaps the right to show your entire face in public (the little bits of spittle that fly out of people’s mouths when they’re screaming unfounded opinions – this isn’t well-known – really go far in backing up their logic. About 18 feet or something.). But I don’t recall a right to show your face in public. I think maybe a few people would actually have taken umbrage with that one. You know, a few miscreants that don’t want to see the the Bailey Twins faces’ in public, on account of they reside on the same set of shoulders, or okay, maybe it doesn’t even have to be a conjoined twin thing, some people are straight-up dicks about other people’s looks. So even if someone didn’t fervently believe in the cause, I think they would have stood up against it just to fuck with some person they didn’t like, take that public opportunity to call them ugly in front of everyone as if it were Important Civil Rights Business.

Also. How come the non-mask-wearers don’t find their Civil Rights violated by the eradication of the Clean Water Act? Don’t they have, like, a right to drink clean water? It is kind of funny that their support for this unprecedented dereliction of duty (not to mention cleaning out of the coffers) began with a fear of brown people, yet these are people who have absolutely no fear at all of drinking brown water.

Brain-eating amoebas. And chemicals that no existing filter can ever remove, that were not there before, that we have no idea what the long-term effects will be. How very thirst-quenching. And so cool that we are made up mostly of the stuff, too, right? Don’t you want your body to be made of chemical waste?

Sure, why not. You don’t mind if it’s a super shuttle for a coronavirus.

If everyone would wear a mask, we could have the pandemic under control in 2 to 4 weeks. That was last week. It will probably take longer now. Still. Consider that. Then consider where we are right now. A hurricane is heading toward Miami-Dade, one of Florida’s worst hit areas. Ever been hugged up in a hurricane shelter? Add a pandemic. How pretty is the picture you see?

I’m meandering. I know it. This isn’t a proper essay. I don’t give a fuck.

I can’t understand what is wrong with people. WHAT IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? Are they truly without souls? Are they simply NPCs walking around – oh, this one with the ugly 80s hair holding the sign that says SACRIFICE THE WEAK, every time you go by this particular tree, she’s there, sometimes she will yell at passersby, because that’s how she’s coded. She’s coded to be gross, to add conflict to the game. Right?

Because these can’t be real people. Because if they are, these are people who are saying that other human beings do not matter, but will tell any one of their friends or family quite sincerely and earnestly, “I’m a good person.” And they will believe it. And then they will put on a red hat and laugh at so-called jokes containing only vulgarity and hatred, and they will rail against “The Other Side”, and their faces will twist up into phastasmagoric Mummenschanz masks of vitriol that turn out to be their real faces, and it is then that you realize, no, of course they don’t want to wear a mask, they wear one every day, when they pretend to be one of us, when they pretend to be human.

*It doesn’t matter how many degrees you hold, how often the collective membership of Mensa gathers to blow you, how quickly you solve a Rubik’s cube. If you’re not wearing a mask, you don’t listen to scientists, which makes you a bonafide imbecile. Please don’t ever use anything plastic. A scientist came up with it. No medication ever for you for anything. A scientist made that, and they’re full of shit, right? Oh, and no fast food – there are FOOD SCIENTISTS, too, bitch, and they make a lot of the flavors you enjoy in a lab in New Jersey. Don’t forget COMPUTER SCIENCE. The porn you love is made of pixels that are made of numbers that used algorithms and that is so very sciencey, your Second Amendment Rights could just FALL OFF OF YOU RIGHT NOW HURRY RUN!!!

Share

It’s Like Sands Thru An Hourglass, Bitch!

I just finished listening to Godzilla by The Creatures. It was a breath of fresh air. What great drums. Then, I found out it was released twelve years ago. This was right before Pre-World’s end. Pre-World is a sobriquetic way of referring to my psychotic break. This reality now is, of course, Post-World, but I don’t want to call it that, cause that sounds kinda final. Anyway. Twelve years ago, right? Twelve damn years old.

Suddenly I heard in that song the lost potential, the lost energy, the lost cockiness. I heard my lost youth.

And I’m sitting here crying as I’m typing this. And as I’m snuffling because I’m too ass-glued to this chair to get a tissue, I realize, wait, WHY AM I BITCHING?

“The lost potential..”

To what? To take a life path where you never got to meet the Best Person Ever? To take a life path where you never got to be as awake as you are now?

“The lost energy, the lost this, the lost that…”

1. Put your shit up and you won’t lose it.

2. Make one of those flyers with the little strips you can tear off that have your phone number on them and post them around town with a recent picture of the energy.

3. You heard your lost youth? Was it howling like a lonely dog while standing on a moor under a dark grey sky?

4. Quit yer bitchin’ and do stuff.

Be grateful, girl. Be grateful for every last drop of whatever the fuck you get. The past has passed, that’s why they call it the past. Or something. Whatever. It sounds really, really good when you’re high. Anyway. Fuck the past. What has it done for you lately?

And cripes, enjoy the fucking song, they didn’t write it to make you cry. It’s about Godzilla, for fuck’s sake.

Share

Hey, Andy Lassner…

…I fail to see how tweeting YET AGAIN the SAME “and that was their final command” Orwell quote does more to help anyone than retweeting the question I have about whether painting respirators could be used by the doctors currently out of N65 masks so that this idea might POSSIBLY get in front of them and either be ruled out or MAYBE even HELP THEM…

I usually don’t call people names, but you, sir, are a prick.

Share

Air and Light and Time and Space

“You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred.”

– Superchicken, cartoon superhero

Everyone champions the cause of the minimum wage worker, saying you cannot survive and you can barely subsist on minimum wage.

Everyone champions the cause of the waitress who makes $2.13 an hour and relies on tips to barely make ends meet.

No one champions the cause of the disabled girl who has to work in the adult industry because she is not employable due to a psychotic break over a decade ago (making progress but still recovering) who makes $1.25 an hour with no possibility of tips.

A lot of people speak up for adult industry workers, saying they deserve the same rights and protections as any other workers do, and should never be exploited or put in a position they do not want to be in. A lot of people speak up for victims of sexual assault and assert they should be shielded from things that might be disturbing or unearth bad memories by the availability of ‘trigger warnings’ that will alert the reader or viewer that emotionally incendiary material looms ahead.

And yet, interestingly, no one speaks up for the disabled girl triggered daily by the exploitative nature of her adult industry work, the stigma that she experiences because of it, the painful and destructive cross-pollination of it with her traumatic history, and the despair that comes from finding no hope that anything other than her present reality will ever be possible. No one attempts to shield her from the psychological damage. There are no trigger warnings. The entirety of existence could be called a trigger.

These conditions have the ability to quite fluidly draw one to the presumptive conclusion that only a certain kind of victim matters, and only a certain kind of victim is eligible to receive assistance or compassion. This train of thought goes mag-lev when the effects of continual abuse come into play. Surety in the belief that one is defective and legitimately despicable soon follows – or more accurately, is reawakened, since that is the message that lifelong abuse has already emblazoned upon the abused’s brain.

Despite herself, despite some days when every fiber of her being rebels or threatens to implode or otherwise self-destruct, this disabled girl persists. She endures. She pushes on and survives, and does not even understand, sometimes, why she does it. The only reason she can find is that she does it for the people she loves. She doesn’t want anyone she holds in her heart to carry the grief that she does. She doesn’t want to leave anyone broken. And she wants to give others the benefit of whatever meager lessons she may have learned along the way. She wants to do something to redeem the pain and the regret and the shame and the darkness. She wants to help others in those ways that she wishes she would have – could have – been helped.

It’s rough going sometimes, this silk-purse-from-a-sow’s-ear vision. And frankly, some days it’s difficult and overwhelming and it seems quite fruitless. But these feelings, this hopelessness, it’s all part of the Business of Survival when you carry a certain set of bags. It’s the landscape you have to traverse sometimes when you choose The Long Journey over The Quick Exit.

So, on those days when it seems useless, when it seems an impossible task to continue, she digs in with her fingernails and hangs on. Because she knows that nothing lasts forever. This, too, shall pass. Not the conditions of her existence, no:  not the crushing despair, nor the shit job, nor the feeling like no one cares – and don’t even think that the poisoned roots of the past will miraculously release themselves from their purchases deep beneath the Earth’s surface without considerable effort and heavy machinery. These things won’t just magically disappear into the ether. They will still exist. But they will be Over There. Out of focus, not today’s issue, that’s Future Chick’s problem, dude. And what will also happen is that easier times will return. It may not seem like it at that low moment, but the sun will break through the dark clouds once again and she will feel its warmth. She’s seen this happen too many times not to have faith in that. That she lives and breathes is proof of it.

So, in the meantime – see, there’s a reason why they call it meantime, yeah? – she sits down with another coffee, because she read somewhere that it only takes a single cup of coffee to keep you from killing yourself, and she’s found this to be true. (Not that she feels like killing herself today. It’s just a good fact to know, man. It’s News You Can Use.) She channels the troubling shit out thru her fingers and onto the keyboard, trying not to sound too dramatic (trying, though probably not succeeding) because at this point in her life trotting out the Grand Guignol when it’s not an emergency feels tedious, unnecessary, and a bit too Boy-Who-Cried-Wolf. She does, however, allow herself the hideous indulgence of writing about herself in the third person. Because EMOTIONS.

She lets out a big sigh. Takes a swig of Diet Pepsi to chase the coffee. Lights up a cigarette (tsk tsk), and selects a podcast from one of the comedians she loves because comedy can save – it’s saved her more times than she can count – and the conversation will steer her thoughts away from the detritus of which they are currently composed.

And then damned if that crazy bitch doesn’t get on with her day.

Share

Hedy Lamarr, The Mortal Body, & The Art of Being Spaced-Out

A POST FROM JANUARY I NEVER POSTED:

Rough time on Monday morning. The plan was to do a LOT of clip shooting, as I haven’t done a single shoot this month. Instead, I have been doing a lot of planning, so that this can be the year when I change my life. Unfortunately, I see a huge conflict of interests. Changing my life involves much pro-activity, an extremely focused mindset, and lots of learning. Doing this, I inhabit a VERY different brain space than is required for shooting clips, an activity which is only successful if I’m not inhabiting any brain space At ALL.

As Hedy Lamarr once said, “It’s easy to look glamorous. Just stand still and look stupid.” The point of the clips is not to project, “I am having thoughts about coding and writing! I am having opinions on culture!” The point of clips is to project, “There’s not a thought in my head that doesn’t involve sitting here smoking this cigarette.”

Hedy Lamarr was what they called in her day “a smart cookie”. She knew how to walk the tight-wire of body vs mind, and she walked it extremely well.  She played the infamous Biblical femme fatale in Cecil B. DeMille‘s Samson and Delilah. the third-biggest grossing film of its time. Variety wrote, “Hedy Lamarr never has been more eye-filling and makes of Delilah a convincing minx.” You’d never imagine from that sentence that she was also responsible for the spread spectrum techniques that are today used in Bluetooth technology.  At the beginning of World War II, she and composer George Antheil developed a radio guidance system for Allied torpedoes which used frequency-hopping spread spectrum technology to thwart jamming by the Axis powers. Both Lamarr and Antheil were posthumously inducted into the National Inventors Hall of Fame in 2014. 

Sadly, I am no Hedy Lamarr. Walking that line is much more difficult for me. Part of it is the switching back and forth between opposing mindsets, yes. It’s not as simple as hemisphere jumping. Even though a hop over to the right brain takes the mind away from logic, analysis and static information, it’s isn’t necessarily the right place to hang out when shooting clips. There’s still lots of thought going on inside the right side, the content is just different. It’s the domain of Art and Music, creativity and flow, stimulated by new ideas and novel ideas and works, constantly turning things all about and extracting inspiration from that marrow. It’s pretty far away from sitting still and looking like you’ve not a care nor thought in the world.

Wait, Annie – isn’t shooting clips a creative thing to do? Couldn’t there be some use for this right brain specialty in what you’re doing? Sadly, no, I have not found that to be true. What I have to shoot is fairly specific, and does not leave much room for elaboration. Plus, all of my instincts are off-brand. No one watches my clips for my sense of humor, and they sure as hell don’t watch them for the production design (believe me, because the “set” I have to work with lost its novelty years ago, and there’s no funds to upgrade the situation). They watch my clips to watch me smoke. And I’m at the point where I cannot reinvent the wheel. It’s time for me to do something else, and it’s been that time for years now. Nonetheless, until I have a larger chunk of knowledge under my belt, until those new skills I’m learning are a legitimate part of my wheelhouse, I have to keep doing this. I’m at the point financially where I need one of those “poor barrels”. But I can’t afford a poor barrel. Now that my rent’s gone up, I can’t really even afford to keep eating.

There is never a moment in time where I am not thinking about something from all angles. The tenor of my thoughts and the tides of my emotions do not naturally lend themselves to controlling the expression on my face to reach a specific and marketable end. Trying to hit all the marks of “Pretty” takes me a lot of concentration and thought, without a lot of payoff in the end result. The square peg despairs because it never fits into round holes, it’s impossible to fit into round holes, but the only way it can survive is to fit into a round hole. This condition creates the perfect hothouse for a self-annihilating inner narrative to flourish.

I am ill-suited to do the thing that I absolutely MUST do to survive, and in doing it, I keep myself held back from doing something I WOULD be good at, a situation Joseph Heller called the Catch-22.

Rock, me, hard place.

 

 

Share

Dopamine Fasting Is Really A Thing

Thanks to co-morbid mental health concerns, I am a person with considerable dopamine issues. So when I saw a headline in the Inverse Daily newsletter about dopamine fasting, my interest was absolutely piqued.

“A dopamine fast? Clue me in, Inverse!” I said out loud to no one. (Did you know cats have the ability to roll their eyes?)

According to the article, it only takes a single day of abstinence from, well, most everything you’re used to flooding your senses. We’re talking social media, advertisements, entertainment, conversation, podcasts, audio books, video games, pretty much anything on the computer. No board games, no poker, no hate-watching reality TV, no re-writing librettos to make them pornographic – you see where this is going. And of course: no drinking, no drugs, no smoking, no sex. No junk food, no dessert. No gossip, no schadenfreude if you happen to witness your grumpy neighbor stepping in dog poop. Basically, nothing from which you derive some sort of pleasure or gratification, especially the immediate kind. Anything that makes your receptors fire off that sweet, sweet dopamine is off-limits.

Illustration of the Dopamine Pathway

Image: Inverse Daily

Presumably you can do stuff like wash dishes,  get a root canal, or build a pyramid. (But don’t take my word for it – Read more about exactly what they mean by “dopamine fasting” here.)

My imaginatory vagueness led me to come away with the idea that this fasting period sounds a lot like the idea of stillness, put forth by the Stoics and recently highlighted by Ryan Holiday in his new book, Stillness is the Key, which – oops – I haven’t read, because it’s a new book, and I’m a Poor – but I do get his daily newsletter, and I’m down with the concept, as the amount of information, disinformation, static, sound, and noise that is pelted at me daily is overwhelming. I’m a delicate flower, also known as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP).

(If you are also one of these HSPs, please don’t be offended. It’s good to be a delicate flower. There are just some drawbacks, like getting Stressed The Fuck Out™.)

Hear tell, there was once a time where a person was not reachable 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, no matter where on Earth they were. Hear tell, there once was a time when folks were lucky if the person they were trying to reach had one of those fancy new-fangled answering machines. You had to wait for the beep, is my understanding. And there was something called a “busy signal”. If you can imagine. Don’t even get me started on those party lines and “Emergency Break-throughs”.

iron lungs in the polio wardYeah. People also used to get polio and chill in iron lungs. And while I’m sure those were very good times – times that apparently anti-vaxxers, among others, are nostalgic for – this is the Modern Age. Remember to please tip your stagecoach driver!

So we need to actively seek out stillness. Because in this high-speed society, we no longer idle at Idle.

As far as my stress-addled brain can tell, dopamine fasting has a lot in common with stillness, insofar as shutting out the excess, the chatter, the constant flow of non-stop unnecessary information.

Do I REALLY need to know that Khloe Kardashian thinks it’s super-important that she puts herself first? Aside from this tidbit’s glaring, nauseating self-evidence, it doesn’t seem particularly useful to anyone except Khloe – and, I suppose, Kris Jenner, the most ‘extra’ stage mother since Rose Hovick. Furthermore, this (can I really call it) information is taking up room in my brain that could house something more important, an example of which I cannot cite, probably because I know the names of at least three Kardashian babies. And I do not even LIKE these people or watch their frickin’ show.

What sort of growth do I find in knowing the particulars of the latest Online Outrage War? Which feeds my soul more: letting my inner gestalt consist of the changing-by-the-microsecond Tilt-A-Whirl thoughts and obsessions of others as I swipe through my Twitter feed, or sitting with my own brain and choosing, very precisely, with care and consideration and intent, what material goes into it?

Whether it’s a dopamine fast, the path to stillness via Ryan’s book, or the wisdom of Aurelius and other Stoic philosophers, putting the brakes on overstimulation seems like a pretty good idea to me. At best, you may find some peace and some clarity. At worst, you may learn a few tips for life that you would not have otherwise, AND you will probably get higher than giraffe genitalia once your dopamine fasting is through, because tolerance is a thing (and the struggle is real).

 

Share

Damn, Life, Knock It Off Please – But Don’t Kill Me, Okay?

I am so anxious.

The ankle has been swollen now for, I think, 3 weeks? And it’s been at least 2 weeks since I saw the Nurse Practitioner about it, and she deemed it “cellulitis”, which I am gonna look up now because I really have no idea what the hell that is.

So it’s a skin infection that enters via a cut or crack. Can be caused also by scratching itches. I do not have a cut or crack and have not at all in that area in the past more than 1 month. I have not been scratching my ankle. So, here are the other things it could be:

But feet and ankles that stay swollen or are accompanied by other symptoms could signal a serious health problem, including:

  • Pregnancy complications
  • Foot or ankle injury
  • Lymphedema
  • Venous insufficiency
  • Infection
  • Blood clots
  • Heart, liver, or kidney disease
  • Medication side effects

So, yeah. That looks scary AF, doesn’t it? And yet, no one seems to think it’s a big deal. And no one actually believes that I have any kind of concerning issue – except for the NP at Urgent Care, who said, my unexplained body aches and feverish feeling could be indicative of problems with my heart, and that he tended to believe people who insist that it is not a panic attack, that they know what that feels like and this ain’t it.

Given the symptoms – and in addition the troponin test being seriously flawed/giving false negatives due to Biotin intake – if I were a doctor, I would be concerned. My therapist is concerned. She is well versed in anxiety, and, again, this ain’t it.

Also, I got the flu, unrelated to the weird feverish feeling, which was not accompanied by any flu symptoms. And the flu kicked my ass for nearly 3 weeks, as well.

So okay. Did I mention I am so anxious?

I am so anxious.

I have an appointment tomorrow with the GP, who brilliantly, as I watched him write the Rx for my nuclear stress test, apparently called me “Edith Santos”. And checked the right ankle instead of right knee to be x-rayed, right after he’d told the nurse, no, not the ankle – she needs the knee x-rayed. Does this make me trust in his diagnosis? Not particularly. Then there is the hospital’s lab woman who said, of the FDA report, “Well, I am SO GLAD you have that information” sarcastically, after telling someone else that “SOMEONE told her” – meaning me, I am the “her” in that phrase – about the flaw in the troponin test, and I corrected her and said, hey, it’s not SOMEONE, it’s the FDA. A governmental agency. (Has she even fucking heard of it?) You’d think, even if they did not tell me what test was done on ME, which I have a right to know, I believe, they would have at least a LITTLE concern about the fact that these tests are invalid. That they would want to investigate that further. But, no.

I am fucked [image of Gene Wilder meme]

Nevermind that my blood pressure has been normal my entire life and now I have not Stage One but Stage TWO high blood pressure. And high cholesterol. And weigh too much. And have had three cardiac events preceded by intense jaw pain (which hey, that happens to be a heart attack symptom, how ’bout dat?). And now the ankle. But yeah, I am sure a swollen left ankle is indicative of PANIC DISORDER, which is what they all say – the hospital, the Primary Care Provider, the shrink, for fuck’s sake.

I have an appointment with the shrink tomorrow. I look forward to showing him my ankle and saying, hey, check out the panic disorder in my ankle!

Because panic disorder is so totally listed in that list above. See it? Oh, wait, IT’S NOT THERE.

It is easy to believe that I am not being listened to.

Further evidence of this: my floors are caving in. The floor under the fridge POPS intermittently. That is not a good sign. I read an article about a family whose floors completely gave way, and that was preceded by much popping. The floor in the kitchen has a dividing line between the floor that is slanted downward – which would be the floor under the cabinets, sink, stove, and fridge – and the non-slanted floor. It creaks when you walk on it. It doesn’t not feel stable. The bathroom floor has indentations in several areas I can feel with my bare feet and it is not particularly stable – of course I received a work order about the bathroom floor when I reported it marked ‘complete’ when they didn’t even LOOK at that floor.  Not to mention that the living room floors are also caving in – bended and warped and they do not at all feel stable and one of my dressers tilts forward and cannot be put against the wall, because why? The floor is warped, unstable, and in the process of leaving this Earth.

They have known about everything except the bathroom floor since this summer. The maintenance guy said contractors would be out to appraise the situation. But. Has anyone ever come out? Nope. And that completed work order? Said “floor is contractors”. Okay, does that mean that I am supposed to hire a contractor? Because it sure sounds like they are doing nothing about this. To wit: They have been putting lease renewal notices on my door, and they raise the rent each year. It seems to me that they have been in breach of this lease for half a year, because I did not sign a lease that said I agree to rent with unstable flooring. So, they are going to raise the rent, but not fix the floors. They are ignoring the floors. In fact, they have ignored my last THREE emails to them.

And let’s not even speak of the Black Mold that they have attempted to minimize by referring to it as “mildew”. Is mildew black and does it creep through surfaces into other surfaces? Like the picture of my deceased parents which I gave them for a milestone anniversary while they were still alive which they were thrilled by and which was very sentimental to me, and now covered with black mold that traveled through the back of the frame from the wall and further until it is now covering and ruining this picture?

Hi, I’m looking for Horton because I am a dust speck and apparently that elephant will be the only one that can hear me.

By the way – mortality rate on right-sided heart failure, the first thing mentioned on Google regarding a swollen left ankle? Less than a year to five years at best.

For over a month I have been able to count every single one of my heart beats without taking my pulse, because my body throbs in time with them, as if I have just finished an intense workout.

I went yesterday for a nuclear stress test, and after over an hour total, waiting for my doctor to fax an Rx with my actual name on it, I was informed that the insurance company refuses to authorize the test.

At least I got the knee x-rayed on my deformed, turned-the-wrong-way leg from the treatment I received for a broken ankle four years ago.

Also. I have lost five cats this year. Five. Most recently, the love of my life, Milhouse, my smart (though they are all/were smart) extra special guy. Before that, in September, Momo, who I thought would be the last one standing, my also quite special guy. And my heart is broken. I have a mausoleum on my bookshelves of kitty urns, footprints, and the ashes of my parents, representing a huge chunk of my loved ones.

And now I am concerned about Bear. He is not acting right. He is not eating much at all, is suddenly lethargic, seems depressed and not like himself. He needs to go to the vet. So does Tiny – she is a week away from being out of thyroid meds, putting her again at risk for a heart attack due to her sped-up, hyperthyroid-ed out metabolism. And I am a broke bitch. How do I do this?

And all this stress is so good for the heart. Oh, wait…

This is all some fucked-up bullshit, to use a technical term. And I really do not know how much more I can take, frankly.

I have no family to help advocate my cause(s). I am my only advocate. And unfortunately, the fact that my advocate has several psychiatric diagnoses sort of ruins my advocate’s credibility with these people. They just assume that I’m being histrionic, I guess. That is certainly what it seems like.

And. I have not been able to do my work for a month and a half now, because of these health problems and grief issues. So money issues. And big vet bills have been the norm for months now, with most of my kitties dying on me at once.

And ooh, I just noticed that to the right of this rant, there is an article from Science Daily, and the headline reads, “Chronic Adversity Can Dampen Dopamine Production.” Wonderful.

Fuck me running.

I am so anxious.

Share