I need an attorney. Boy, do I ever.
Today is a day that is a little troubling.
It is my wedding anniversary. And today, I am still married. I have been, for far, far too long.
See, my husband is in another state. I have not seen him since 2007. He will not pay for the divorce. Even though I obviously can’t pay for it. I WANT to file at the courthouse without him, which would cost around $500.
There is a solution to the fee, however. I can file for indigent status. For a fee of $25. A fee which I have, already, in the form of a money order. I have had this money order so long it is about to expire. (Actually I just checked it and the thing expired in November of last year. Bye bye, $25.)
Why haven’t I filed yet, you ask? Because the courthouse WILL NOT TELL ME WHICH FORM TO USE.
The issue is that you have to use a specific form if you are filing without your spouse. BUT. They don’t HAVE a specific form for that. SO you have to use one of the OTHER forms. BUT. They do NOT tell you WHICH ONE. And when you contact them down there at the courthouse, they tell you, “We can’t tell you which form to use.” They refer you to Bay Area Legal Services.
You call Bay Area Legal Services. Listen to their voice message which says they are open from 9 am to 11 am on random days (during a full moon maybe? and if the groundhog comes out of his hole that day?) and that you have to call the morning you want to come to see if they ARE open, and you have to come down and get on a waiting list and HOPE that you get seen before they close.
In order to do this, I would have to Lyft to the courthouse and back, which would cost me about $40 plus 2 tips. Which I do not have. I double do not have it to just waste it on a trip where I might not even get to meet with someone who will give me the very, very simple answer I need. And being “slightly” (ha) agoraphobic, as well as having generalized anxiety, it’s really difficult for me to go sit and wait somewhere in public for 2-plus hours, especially if that wait may not end up getting me where I need to go, figuratively speaking.
I feel like if I could get divorced, FINALLY, that it would free up a lot of stagnated, repressed energy that has been held back by the past. It would get this big burden off of me, this nagging thing that I am never free of, this reminder of That Which Failed Horribly. And it has been SO FUCKING LONG. I mean, we are a year past the Crystal Anniversary here. That is patently fucking ridiculous. This divorce is WAY overdue.
Do I question my future-ex-husband’s masculinity because he has not grabbed the proverbial bull by the horns and gotten this done long before? Yeah, fuck yeah, actually, I do. Because I have spent the last 12 years being Crazy as a Shithouse Rat(tm). I have been in no position mentally to handle this. And he has. He’s living his life somewhere unfettered. He was able to pick up and move to another state. I think he would have the temerity to handle a little paperwork and pony up a small amount of dough.
I mean, if he could not be a husband to me in marriage, the least he could do is be a decent husband in separation and fucking divorce me.
But this is not the case, unfortunately. Like everything else – including most of his belongings – he has left me to deal with it. Me, who has been trying to recover from a psychotic break and who is far from having all her ducks in a row in any fashion whatsoever. I am supposed to somehow navigate this in my addled, agoraphobic state, without any assistance from him whatsoever.
So yeah, I wish I knew someone who was an attorney. I wouldn’t ask them to handle the entire divorce. I would just want to know what form do I fill out, and what procedure to I follow to file it (i.e. can I file by mail?). The forms themselves are not difficult – this will be a Simple Dissolution of Marriage, which yep, I have filled out before (I’m a two time loser, dontchaknow) because I have a snowball’s chance in Hell at this point of getting any alimony or assistance. I was not smart enough to marry men either time who would provide alimony. And I am not the kind of girl to get knocked up so I can ensure my future care and support, unlike most of my peers here in the lovely state of Florida, who keenly and mercilessly inspect future baby daddies for their potential as future breadwinners.
Nope, I foolishly married for what I THOUGHT was love, both times, but sadly, I was mistaken, BOTH TIMES, and I married men who could really not have given less of a shit what happened to me. Men who did not even want to spend any time with me. Men who did not even want to fuck me. Nice, right?
Yeah, I really have led a charmed life, between this marriage idiocy and all the trauma, torture, bullying and abuse, not to mention the co-morbid mental illnesses. It’s all “fun fun, rock and roll high school”, all day, every day, no, really.
So this is one of the many problems on my plate that I do not wish to eat. Not in a box or with lox or next to Michael J. Fox or wearing white socks. (Good luck finding all-white socks, btw. All of them seem to have grey toes and heels. What the hell?)
The only way I am going to be able to be free, it is clear, is to do it myself. This is a bullshit obstacle. Somehow I must find my way around it. Like every other bullshit obstacle in my life.
God damn it, I get so tired and beaten down sometimes.