it’s not 7am yet but i’ve already done the wracking sobs thing this morning. So grateful for the sweet warm cat named Bear in my lap who is wearing a sweater. He is such an enormous comfort right now. And just having that comfort makes me realize, it doesn’t matter how much I pour my emotions or thoughts out onto the page. Whether I do or whether I don’t, I am in this alone.
I’ve been learning about how to deal with grief on a daily basis for —
well, I just looked at the date, and actually tomorrow, eight years ago, was when the death parade of loved ones began in earnest, when I watched them take my dad out of the home he loved in a body bag, with my mom collapsed in absolute heartbreak on the floor where he’d just been laying. His sudden and unexpected death destroyed her and she never came back from it, and I watched helplessly for two and a half years as her spirit and her body died in front of me. There was nothing I could do to stop it. She didn’t want to be here anymore. Not without him. I feel even more empathy for her now than I did then, because I am getting a glimpse of how it feels when one moment you have a soulmate and everything is okay, and the next they are just gone and that’s the end and you didn’t even get to say goodbye.
But my mom knew my dad loved her. She had no doubt about that.
I don’t understand how he could have ever loved me at all. How does that change so drastically in moments? I don’t think I said anything hateful. I was saying, hey, I’m scared that when you get thru this big huge thing, you’re gonna decide you don’t want to be with me anymore, cause you talk about the future like I’m not in it.
Well, yeah, okay. Apparently, I’m not in it, so that was why. You would think I would have just fucking realized that instead of trying to “discuss” it.
If someone doesn’t want to be with you, it’s not negotiable. I don’t know how not communicating well in that moment completely destroyed every single good thing he might have seen in me, to the point where it doesn’t matter to him at all what happens to me or how much it feels like I’m being thrown into an emotional wood chipper. But there it is.
But WHY destroy me in the break-up? Especially when it is SO out of character. This is not a person who is vindictive. This is not a person who hates people. This is a person with a buoyant, loving soul. He treated me better than anyone ever has in my life – listened to me, encouraged me to make music again, to draw again – bought me expensive art supplies for Valentine’s Day – actually loved to hear me sing and THAT MEANT SO FUCKING MUCH TO ME I cannot even say – ugly-sobbing now and getting tears all over my cat, this is killing me, I know i keep saying that but i keep saying it because it is, it’s killing everything i am. So, okay, one day this beautiful soul who has NEVER shown me ANYTHING but love, suddenly behaves like someone I never got to know? Someone who will give me no slack, benefit of the doubt, or chance to explain or discuss, but instead hates my fucking guts and won’t acknowledge my existence or even that he’s ending things, even though he knows that pretending I don’t exist is destroying me on level after level because of my disability and chronically traumatic history???
It does. not. make. sense.
And because it doesn’t make sense, it is fucking destroying me.
If he just would’ve said, you know, we need a break, and drifted off, that’d make sense, because there is that distancing beforehand. Even a subtle distancing, like someone stops saying “i love you” or something – that didn’t happen. Was there a distancing I missed? What, when we were making vacation plans?? I never had any idea that I could try to discuss something with him honestly and just by virtue of the content of what I was saying – that I WANTED TO BE WITH HIM AND MAKE HIM HAPPY BECAUSE I LOVE HIM AND I THOUGHT HE LOVED ME TOO AND I WAS SCARED THIS WOULD NOT HAPPEN – drive him away FOREVER. My timing SUCKED. It was HORRIBLE. But did it deserve this, really? Did I? Am I that terrible?
I keep trying to make it not matter. I can’t. It matters more than anything.
But I’m the only one who cares, nothing concerning me matters to or in this world, and I may as well not exist.