Send Me An Angel, So That He May Destroy Me

it’s not 7am yet but i’ve already done the wracking sobs thing this morning. So grateful for the sweet warm cat named Bear in my lap who is wearing a sweater. He is such an enormous comfort right now. And just having that comfort makes me realize, it doesn’t matter how much I pour my emotions or thoughts out onto the page. Whether I do or whether I don’t, I am in this alone.

I’ve been learning about how to deal with grief on a daily basis for —

well, I just looked at the date, and actually tomorrow, eight years ago, was when the death parade of loved ones began in earnest, when I watched them take my dad out of the home he loved in a body bag, with my mom collapsed in absolute heartbreak on the floor where he’d just been laying. His sudden and unexpected death destroyed her and she never came back from it, and I watched helplessly for two and a half years as her spirit and her body died in front of me. There was nothing I could do to stop it. She didn’t want to be here anymore. Not without him. I feel even more empathy for her now than I did then, because I am getting a glimpse of how it feels when one moment you have a soulmate and everything is okay, and the next they are just gone and that’s the end and you didn’t even get to say goodbye.

But my mom knew my dad loved her. She had no doubt about that.

I don’t understand how he could have ever loved me at all. How does that change so drastically in moments? I don’t think I said anything hateful. I was saying, hey, I’m scared that when you get thru this big huge thing, you’re gonna decide you don’t want to be with me anymore, cause you talk about the future like I’m not in it.

Well, yeah, okay. Apparently, I’m not in it, so that was why. You would think I would have just fucking realized that instead of trying to “discuss” it.

If someone doesn’t want to be with you, it’s not negotiable. I don’t know how not communicating well in that moment completely destroyed every single good thing he might have seen in me, to the point where it doesn’t matter to him at all what happens to me or how much it feels like I’m being thrown into an emotional wood chipper. But there it is.

But WHY destroy me in the break-up? Especially when it is SO out of character. This is not a person who is vindictive. This is not a person who hates people. This is a person with a buoyant, loving soul. He treated me better than anyone ever has in my life – listened to me, encouraged me to make music again, to draw again – bought me expensive art supplies for Valentine’s Day – actually loved to hear me sing and THAT MEANT SO FUCKING MUCH TO ME I cannot even say –  ugly-sobbing now and getting tears all over my cat, this is killing me, I know i keep saying that but i keep saying it because it is, it’s killing everything i am.  So, okay, one day this beautiful soul who has NEVER shown me ANYTHING but love,  suddenly behaves like someone I never got to know? Someone who will give me no slack, benefit of the doubt, or chance to explain or discuss, but instead hates my fucking guts and won’t acknowledge my existence or even that he’s ending things, even though he knows that pretending I don’t exist is destroying me on level after level because of my disability and chronically traumatic history???

It does. not. make. sense.

And because it doesn’t make sense, it is fucking destroying me.

If he just would’ve said, you know, we need a break, and drifted off, that’d make sense, because there is that distancing beforehand. Even a subtle distancing, like someone stops saying “i love you” or something – that didn’t happen. Was there a distancing I missed? What, when we were making vacation plans?? I never had any idea that I could try to discuss something with him honestly and just by virtue of the content of what I was saying – that I WANTED TO BE WITH HIM AND MAKE HIM HAPPY BECAUSE I LOVE HIM AND I THOUGHT HE LOVED ME TOO AND I WAS SCARED THIS WOULD NOT HAPPEN – drive him away FOREVER. My timing SUCKED. It was HORRIBLE. But did it deserve this, really? Did I? Am I that terrible?

I keep trying to make it not matter. I can’t.  It matters more than anything.

But I’m the only one who cares, nothing concerning me matters to or in this world, and I may as well not exist.

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just totally fucked

i just can’t reconcile the beautiful love that we had and this nightmare situation. we had something special and amazing and i don’t understand how that just goes away because you say the wrong thing. I can’t stop crying and I can’t eat and this is the worst fucking pain and it just keeps coming back over and over in waves and i have no skillset to make this any better because it doesn’t make sense, we were just talking about the visit we had planned for our anniversary. we loved each other. i thought we were happy. we’ve both been going through some struggles lately, but we supported each other and i thought we were a team. i never would just cast him away over a miscommunication. even if he did something unimaginably awful, i would still treat him like a human being. it’s like i’m just nothing to him at all, and that doesn’t make any sense because how could that just suddenly BE, with no kind of warning or buildup or,,,

i don’t know what to do. this hurts worse than anything i’ve ever dealt with before and there are so many layers to the hurt because this situation has a facet to dovetail with every fucking traumatic thing that’s ever happened to me, it seems like. And usually I try to see adversity as an opportunity to learn, but all I’m learning here is that I have no value or worth as a person, and that i’m a big fucking moron for thinking for a second that anyone would ever truly love me OR thinking that I’ve made any progress at anything at all, especially emotional work.

So many things I thought were resolved – had been resolved, actually, because his love did that fucking much for me, he gave me gifts it would take me a lifetime to name off, oh fuck this hurts – are no longer resolved. They’re wide open again. And I’m so fucking tired of going over everything that has ever fucking happened to me. I’m so tired of intrusive thoughts that feel like I’m being punched in the chest with a kettle bell. I’ve been under a cloud of grief for so long. And now here is more grief, great big fucking enormous soul-devouring grief, and i’m so heartbroken without him I seriously don’t know what to do, because I’m in bad territory now, where really bad and unwise thoughts of self-harm hang out. Like NPCs from Hell, they’re always in the same place and they always say the same. fucking. things. I guess for now I will go bash them in the skull with a lorazepam so I can try to get some sleep.

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cant stop crying
i miss him so much

this is wrong this shouldn’t be happening we were made for each other

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my cats are my family, they’re all the family i have, and over the past year i lost five of them, five members of my family that had been with me for 16 years, and the grief has been crushing, the absence a presence, and now he is gone there is loss everywhere covering everything and it is a waking nightmare and i cannot bear this

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